Skip to main content

||Routine..



I stare at the words in front of me that I've highlighted but failed to comprehend. I know this is important but my brain cannot fathom why. Instead, it takes its voluntary infamous trips to the past, it digs out memories I hate but those that define me. These memories are like popups, my brain has this ability to find out things that would trigger my current state - statements from the past, feelings from the archives. Maybe everyone is like that, maybe that's how they punish themselves, for what though, I fail to understand.

My laptop is at 2%, I am too lazy to find the charger. I want to curl up and sleep. But I also want to think about that one time when I said I could never compare to her because she was too beautiful. "So pretty he can't take his eyes off her", is what I believe I'd said. And apparently, at 1 am in the morning, this is what I want to think about.

"But let's not talk about such things okay?" Okay. But how do I tell that to my evil friend that resides beneath my skull? How do I explain to it that closure is but just a concept. It is not tangible. You probably will never even attain it. Because what's the point? At 2 am in the morning, the popup would still repeat that statement even if he didn't want to talk about it. Because apparently, I still want to.

"We're just friends." That one hurt the most. They're all pretty. Each of them. They just "hang out" with people you care about. And then the people you care about fall. Hard. Unfortunately though, not for you. Even if they claim they do.

"You were not supposed to break the promise." Yes, I wasn't. You were not supposed to break my heart. Over and over and over again. At 3 am in the morning, I'm worried about a busy day ahead but also about the things that still haunt my train of thought. I dread the nightmares, I dread the comfort in your voice and I dread the smiling faces I do not trust.

At 4 am in the morning, I miss my friends, all of them. I miss the one I spent my childhood understanding and then my teenage coming to terms with. I miss the one I lost to a pair of pretty eyes. I miss the one that has seen me through my worst nightmares. I miss the ones that understood, the ones that empathised, and cared. Just enough, not too much.

At 5 am in the morning, I doze off. Only to find myself in an endless ocean, I am drowning. He won't throw the life boat, because I broke the promise. I can't come out of it. The dream, nor the reality. I look on as water fills my lungs and pulls me under, lulls me deeper.

At 8 am in the morning, it's a new day. I smile at the possibilities. The devil is dormant after the torture, it won't appear until it's dark again. At 9 am in the morning, I am a happy, healthy child, doing what she wants to do, working towards what she wants to be, dreading when it will be midnight again. The chariot won't disappear. Her sanity will.

Comments

Post a Comment

What do you think?

Popular posts from this blog

||Labels..

'Introvert!' 'She's not much of a people person.' 'He's weird.' 'Annoying.' 'Perfect!' How dare you? How dare you limit an entire person, his whole life, her complete individuality to a single word? How do you describe a person you have barely, superficially known for only a chunk of his lifetime in a few, simple words? Is this why we have eulogies? To make up for all the limiting things we say about people when they're alive. Is it a way to apologise for trying to put down a number on the distance between their being and the horizon? Are we trying to make up for the infinite possibility in them that we carelessly ignore? 'How would you describe your personality?' 'I'm lazy. I prefer pulling up my blanket to turning off the fan 'cause the switch isn't an arm's length away. I put down books when I don't love them anymore because they remind me of how my preferences change....
1 comment
Read more

||Fall, Comfort Shows and Escapism..

As I find myself three seasons into my favourite show again, I involuntarily see the patterns and lack thereof every time I’m inclined to watch it.  Gilmore Girls. If you seek me out on a random day and ask me my favorite show, you may never get the same answer twice. I don’t like being held down to favorites and my mood swings like a chandelier most days. But if you ask me which show I gravitate towards most, this is the one I’ll quote. If you see me talking in weird phrases and references that don’t make sense, this show is the culprit. Having watched it over 7 times in just 3 years, it amazes me how I’ve watched F.R.I.E.N.D.S. way less times even though it might be the show I look to for comfort. If you ask me what I watch when I’m sad, I’d probably say This is Us. Somewhere between the spectrum where one end is F.R.I.E.N.D.S. and the other This is Us, smushed between How I Met Your Mother, Suits, The Office, New Girl, and a number of other shows I like to rewatch, is Gilmore Gi...
Post a Comment
Read more

||Friends? Sure..

I woke up this morning thinking about writing this post because I couldn’t fathom how one year we were going crazy with friendship bands, everything was simpler, love was friendship, movies were influential and then I wake up today and it’s a pretty normal day. Also I wanted to try out my cute new keyboard which otherwise seems like money not so pragmatically spent. I wanted to reminisce a little bit about all the different kinds of friends I’ve had over the years. The one you rang first on the landline every time you got the tiniest bit of gossip. The one you went running around the school playground with, jumping off corridors as your fancy birthday dress flew up in frilly cuteness. The one you spent hours with coming up with numbers to cryptic-name your multiple crushes/persons of interest. The same one you found sitting on the first bench after assembly, new to school but so old and wise beyond her age (still). The ones you keep thinking you’ve said goodbye to but they keep coming ...
1 comment
Read more