She's sitting in the balcony, phone in her hand - going through their old messages. Her left temple has started to feel like it'll burst from all the throbbing it's been doing for the past half hour. She's been doing it again - overthinking, overanalysing everything. Irritated, she gets up to fetch a couple of migraine pills from her room. She stops mid way and turns to the kitchen. She hasn't turned to coffee for a long time now, but today she suddenly wants to see if it'd still come to her rescue.
She was back to the balcony in a few minutes, this time with coffee and earphones. She plugs the earphones in and set the music player to shuffle. She looked over the horizon and found it uncannily familiar. This used to be her go-to routine every evening till a couple years ago. She would get some coffee from the hostel mess in the evening with her roommate and they'd rush to the terrace to occupy their 'adda' as they used to call it. The sun would have just set and the sky would be in this confused state between orange and dark. They'd sneak to this particular place without a boundary, and sit there with legs dangling down, each with a cup of coffee and their earphones plugged in.
Their dangling feet made them feel reckless, free. She remembered with a smile the telepathic connection they'd always had - knowing what the other had in mind with just a look on their face. They wouldn't even need to talk while they were there, they'd just know what the other was thinking, and let them face their own demons in silence. But they'd sit there every evening, next to each other, reassuring each other that they'd always find them by their side.
Now, two years later, she missed this part of her day spent with her college roommate. She was still messed up then but at least her roommate understood. She thought of him every time they were up there on the terrace, and she was still thinking of him. In a way nothing had changed even when everything had. The music in her ears was far from bringing her any peace. Her music player decided to pull a cruel stunt on her, yet again. All his favourite songs started playing in her ears and subsequently his memories started playing on her mind.
The headache was far from gone, the throbbing was now in sync with the rhythm of the songs that played. A few unnoticed tears escaped her eyes. The coffee had never helped her forget him, just made all the memories come back fresher than ever. It still did the same. She thought of all the cups of coffee they had shared, even though he never liked coffee. She just couldn't get him out of his head whatever she did. It was funny how her roommates had realised all of this way before she had. Heck, she was the most excited person when he had a crush - on someone else! Right now she just wished she knew then what she knows now. It wouldn't have helped much but at least she wouldn't have fallen as hard.
She laughed through her tears at everything she had tried to forget him. Right at this moment, it was hysterical to her how stuck she was in a time that was never coming back. She decided to write about it and went to fire up her laptop. She opened her blog and drew a blank. It was frustrating, he was making her incoherent. He was taking from her the only way she had of venting it all out. She felt hopeless, helpless - unable to fight a ghost that was long gone. She looked at her bedside table and succumbed to that jar of pills. She knew even in her dreams, she wouldn't be free of him but at least there was a possibility that she would find him in the time that meant the world to her. The pain started to fade with her consciousness and she snuck yet again into oblivion, the only place she could find solace any more.
She woke up with the image of him shaking hands with her, saying "Goodbye!"
She was back to the balcony in a few minutes, this time with coffee and earphones. She plugs the earphones in and set the music player to shuffle. She looked over the horizon and found it uncannily familiar. This used to be her go-to routine every evening till a couple years ago. She would get some coffee from the hostel mess in the evening with her roommate and they'd rush to the terrace to occupy their 'adda' as they used to call it. The sun would have just set and the sky would be in this confused state between orange and dark. They'd sneak to this particular place without a boundary, and sit there with legs dangling down, each with a cup of coffee and their earphones plugged in.
Their dangling feet made them feel reckless, free. She remembered with a smile the telepathic connection they'd always had - knowing what the other had in mind with just a look on their face. They wouldn't even need to talk while they were there, they'd just know what the other was thinking, and let them face their own demons in silence. But they'd sit there every evening, next to each other, reassuring each other that they'd always find them by their side.
Now, two years later, she missed this part of her day spent with her college roommate. She was still messed up then but at least her roommate understood. She thought of him every time they were up there on the terrace, and she was still thinking of him. In a way nothing had changed even when everything had. The music in her ears was far from bringing her any peace. Her music player decided to pull a cruel stunt on her, yet again. All his favourite songs started playing in her ears and subsequently his memories started playing on her mind.
The headache was far from gone, the throbbing was now in sync with the rhythm of the songs that played. A few unnoticed tears escaped her eyes. The coffee had never helped her forget him, just made all the memories come back fresher than ever. It still did the same. She thought of all the cups of coffee they had shared, even though he never liked coffee. She just couldn't get him out of his head whatever she did. It was funny how her roommates had realised all of this way before she had. Heck, she was the most excited person when he had a crush - on someone else! Right now she just wished she knew then what she knows now. It wouldn't have helped much but at least she wouldn't have fallen as hard.
She laughed through her tears at everything she had tried to forget him. Right at this moment, it was hysterical to her how stuck she was in a time that was never coming back. She decided to write about it and went to fire up her laptop. She opened her blog and drew a blank. It was frustrating, he was making her incoherent. He was taking from her the only way she had of venting it all out. She felt hopeless, helpless - unable to fight a ghost that was long gone. She looked at her bedside table and succumbed to that jar of pills. She knew even in her dreams, she wouldn't be free of him but at least there was a possibility that she would find him in the time that meant the world to her. The pain started to fade with her consciousness and she snuck yet again into oblivion, the only place she could find solace any more.
She woke up with the image of him shaking hands with her, saying "Goodbye!"
Just too many thoughts right now in my mind to be put into a single comment.
ReplyDeletePeople who have been fortunate enough to know her can, as they read this, draw out her silhouette walking through the hostel, plugging in her headphones, sipping coffee, sulking on and on, fighting migraines, life, and most of all, her own self, and marvel at the sheer bravery she had had for herself, and the compassion, for her friends.
But only those fortunate enough to know her would understand how painstakingly emotional these words are when put into the context.
I'm speechless...I could actually picture you doing all these stuff
ReplyDelete