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||Tonight I'm getting over you..



Well, I hope so. I have been chanting this for a long time now but I can never go through with it. And I'm not sure but maybe its because I don't want to. Everyday is another puzzle piece. Not seeing you makes me anxious. Seeing you makes me take an involuntary about turn. By now, I'm an obvious mess. I'm too deep in my own misery yet I can't see that crease on your forehead without getting antsy. There are days I want to block you out of my mind, and then there are other days where I'm tired enough to just give up.

Its so annoying, and heartbreaking and frustrating, you probably have no idea! Because if you did, you wouldn't be how you are. I choose to believe that because I really don't have an option here. If I believe otherwise, well then there's just no meaning to a part of my life that does mean a lot to me. I can't just render those precious moments meaningless just because you decided to turn your back on me. It would help a lot f you understood that making you feel guilty has never, ever been my motive.

All I've ever wanted is for you to see, what it did to me. What it is still doing to me. I daydream while I'm awake to avoid the pain of reality, I sleep through the day so I don't have to deal with the constant jabs at my heart, the constant popups of memories. Most times I can't get the food down my throat, most other times I don't remember my basic survival strategies. I'm living in a constant state of madness. When I would much rather prefer being mad the way I was with you, for you.

For once, if you would just.. I don't know! Look into my eyes and tell me I'm lying. Look me in the eyes and say you hate me, you don't want me in your life. And I don't know if that would break me either. For all I know, I'm already broken, damaged beyond repair unless you think otherwise. I have never felt more dependent in my life, for my own life! Its like one smile, one frown, that's all you need to control my puppet strings. Of course I don't like it. Of course I used to.


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